I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
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