but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
