she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
