Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
