Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
