Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
