I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize