RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i came on her dog
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
