return my video game
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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