are you still at the devil's house?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
