I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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