He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
