my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
