dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
