Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
