I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
