I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
