I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
How does one acquire holy water?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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