I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
