Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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