I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
