I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
