I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
We named our party play list daddy issues
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
