the condom got lost in my hair
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Holy sore nipples Batman
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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