she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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