You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
