I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
