Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
