I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize