the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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