there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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