pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
