Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
