8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
