I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
