are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
