he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize