Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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