So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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