Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
