Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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