my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize