Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
