one word: firstdatebathroomanal
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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