Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
