honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
