I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
