I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
