Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
