I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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