I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
