do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
