i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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