So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
