can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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