Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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