Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
