she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
