I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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