the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
