Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
