If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Randomize
