I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
