He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
