My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
