I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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